Today, I sit as I look at my tainted living room ceiling from last month’s heavy downpour. I had it painted coconut white around August of this year since I started working from home, like everyone else did. Sitting beside me is a uke which I named after my mom, and at eye level is my little prayer altar. I am breathing. I have a roof over my head. I have a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, and provides a little extra for savings and leisure. I am fully aware I made it through the year well and with grace. Again.
But while it’s easy to be grateful for all that I have, it becomes an entirely different story whenever I feel like wanting to personally put it out in the open without sounding detached from the bigger narrative.
So let’s treat this as a personal account.
While the world stopped for most of us this year, I seriously think 2020 justly compensates for all that I had to deal with in 2019.
I survived two deaths in the family last year, 7 months apart from one another. And believe me when I say, grief only comes after all the backbreaking hospital and funeral paperwork. There is no chance one could melt down and fold in the middle of it all.
I didn’t make it to my dream school, for the third time in a row, because so many others are clearly smarter than I thought I was. I was led to believe the universe falls in love with a stubborn heart, but maybe not if it is not really meant to be.
I walked out of a not-so exclusive relationship because I was never being served with what I thought I deserved. I just didn’t think I needed another soul who, while lacking the will to commit, also never saw through all the times I gave so much of myself away when I barely had little left of me at the time.
2019 thoroughly emptied me down and my headstrong denial so I can avoid the discomfort was completely unfair. I always responded with a resounding yes whenever anybody asked if I was keeping up just fine. And for that, I owe myself an apology.
To say the past year was crazy is a complete misnomer. It stripped me of all of me, and I could not have made it through standing if not for the might and fortitude of the Hand from above that held me steadily.
Which is why the turn of 2020 was a glimmer of sunshine, the usual well wish of a “better” year. With a trusting heart, I claimed 2020 mine. I am at it every year, but I never get tired of the feel of a renewed hope, no matter what the future brings. While 2020 clearly was a difficult one, this year probably was the break I personally needed, since I ran around like a gerbil on a wheel since 2017, (2019 was the climax of it all).
For the past three years, I chased after the bustling commute, dashed from one toxic work commitment to another, worked in a feverish pace in the hopes of going beyond my job description. But none of it just seemed to add up. Until I finally made the choice to resign from my post this year. A mini back story was I needed a higher-paying job since my brother was off to college. What made it just too grim was the fact that I sent my resignation letter a week prior to the lockdown. Who in her right mind would leave a very secure job while others are now at the risk of losing theirs? Boy, that’s me. Some Hebrews 11:8 realness.
The idea of surrender always sounds crazy, but that is its power, too. It opens up doors we never know are there, even without the slightest effort of finding them.
To cut the story short, wonderful opportunities presented themselves, and I am now in a way better place.
Getting locked down at home gave me all the time I needed to unload. I now enjoy a full 8 hours of sleep and nothing could ever beat the slow and quiet mornings for coffee and pan de sal. I got myself a yoga mat and I started to appreciate my cozy little kitchen. I am learning new musical instruments and I started journaling again. I no longer skip my meals and I am well hydrated. I have five stray cats in the garage and I feed them sardines and milk (just found out cat food is actually cheaper). I started meeting people, albeit virtually.
I am discovering myself. I am finding peace. And most importantly, I continue to find joy in giving. Relentlessly. And from the heart.
God certainly knew what I needed. And after all that I have been through, 2020 is personally just a piece of cake.
If today you feel your hands are full, please let go a little.
Love, joy, peace, kindness, wise choices, divine protection, good health and prosperity for 2021!
